Personal Connection

.. Aight people, I don't usually get too personal with my posts but I need to get into my love life to explain why I'm feeling Kanye's album more than I would normally. Ye's album drops today, Graduation won best rap album at the AMAs last night (shouts to heather for the video up top!), and I've been spinning 808's on repeat at work all day so here we go..

I've been on and off with a certain female (let's call her "Lexi" to pay tribute to Kanye's ex-fiance Alexis) for the past, damn I can't remember, almost 4 years. I've talked to her every day for as long as I can remember and we have great chemistry both intimately and on a friend level - her outgoing swag compliments my introverted demeanor and my logical approach compliments her emotional oactions.

The thing is, I had numerous opportunities to make it official - we were in fact together for around a year and a half but not anymore, shit, I still have people asking me if we're together. I claimed I was "young and wanted to live it up" or any other excuse to avoid commitment.

Now that I'm settling down a little (emphasis on the little), I realize how much she really means to me and how wrong it was to string her along during my uncertain college years. I didn't do it out of malice or to hurt her - I did it because my definition of college life was partying and being single.

This brings us to today's situation. "Lexi" goes to school up in North Jersey so we don't see each other a lot but we always talked, no matter what. But a few weeks ago she was supposed to come home and we were gonna get dinner and hang out, just the two of us. We ended up arguing about God knows what and I decided I didn't want to chill - so I went out with my friends, instead. Man do I regret that decision. I know I have my vices, and partying seems to be one of my main ones - but this one instance I was wrong, and I live with regret to this day.

Up to this point I always told her "we are in the same book but not the same page." I believe wholeheartedly that one day we'd somehow end up on the same page, it was just a matter of time, but I wasn't man enough to step up to the plate because I thought I was too young and had too much single life ahead of me a.k.a. I was scared of commitment.

Now that I'm ready to commit, she's the one who wants to go crazy at school and talk to other dudes. I guess I deserve it 'cause I did this for so many years, and it's interesting being on the other side of the coin. It's one thing to think you know how people feel, it's another to be in the same exact position and actually feel the emotion.

It just seems completely different between us nowadays. I can't blame her - I've got issues and I've wronged her but never because I didn't care. I will always care.

We have good meaningful conversation every now and again but not often, barely see one another and we just don't connect at all like we used to - which brings me to 808's. I feel Kanye's emotion in almost every single song - "Heartless" evokes frustration, "Welcome to Heartbreak" evokes loneliness and "Bad News" evokes regret of opportunity lost.

Forget the musical diversion from his previous classics for a second and remember what an album is supposed to do - connect with the listener at an emotional level. I feel like I can relate every lyric to my relationship with Lexi, and that my friends is why I'm falling in love with the album.

Maybe one day Lexi and I will end up on the same page, but first we have to get back into the same book. Lord knows I still care and I won't stop..

Sorry for such a long post, you definitely won't see these from me usually. I just needed to get this off my chest and put it out there. Now I hope y'all see why I think 808's is amazing - because I really feel it.

'Til next time.. Peace!