If This Is Hip-Hop, Then I'm Miles Davis..

Vultures of culture

They like to exploit little suckers

-Public Enemy, "LSD," There's a Poison Goin On

Exploitation is a part of anything that becomes commercialized and pushed as a commodity, and unfortunately hip-hop is not exempt. During the holiday season, you're bound to have a moment like I did today. While doing some online shopping today, I stumbled across this monstrosity..

I know some of you have seen this type of hoodie before, creatively dubbed the "Ben Franklin Logo Hoodie" by Amazon.com, either online or in the store and thought.. "Are you serious?" "Would anyone in their right mind ever rock something so.. so.. ridiculous?" "What demographic does this appeal to.. the e-thug? broke MC? wannabe-gangster-living-in-his-parent's-basement?"

So it got me thinking - what other fashion items sadly attempt to exploit hip-hop that I could find on this here Interweb? The results are, to say the least, hilarious..

"Sponge Bob Hi Hater"

What do you get when you cross a Nickelodeon character with Maino? What was that? You mean you never thought about it? Well, in case you were wondering.. Nothin' says "hi" to your "haters" like a Sponge Bob shirt - this is too gully for words.

"Hip Hop Rap Hustlers Dwarfs"

I'm confused. He's not a "hustler," he's a pimp. I don't see any "rapping" going on, just a whole lot of pimpin'. And.. the last time I checked, that was a Smurf sporting that goofy-ass grin, not a dwarf. I give it an "F" for effort.

"Obama Gangsta Hip-Hop T-Shirt"

Yes, Barack is in fact the one-and-only H.N.I.C... and what better way to venerate the President-elect than Photoshopping his face to create a Quasimoto-esque hunchbacked "gangsta" on a bootleg tee? I bet those darn insurgents are shakin' in their boots now.

Coogi Polo

Ugh, the color scheme alone is enough to make Kool Herc cringe. If hip-hop is dead, then this atrocity is the reason why it killed itself.

"Hip Hop Rap Hustla"

Only a bonafide "Hustla" can rock this one, equipped with fashionable million-dollar bills in the background. Don't worry, for all you "Hustlas" on a budget, this one comes with free shipping. That's something to toast your 40 oz to!

Punto Blanco "Hip Hop" Brief.. Eh?

And last, but certainly not least, we've got the item of the season.. the Punto Blanco Hip Hop Brief! That's right. Who are you to tell anyone that banana hammocks aren't hip-hop!? Just be thankful I didn't post the back-side. Ugh.

.. Speechless.