Wednesday, February 4, 2009

What Phelps Should Say To America

I know it was for PR purposes that Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps had to publicly apologize for his "bad behavior" after a British tabloid News of the World ran a picture of him sparking up a bong recently.

I'm not mad at Phelps for trying to salvage the massive amount of paper he is set to earn through endorsements. But you know what I think? Fuck apologizing. This dude is an American hero, accomplishing what no other swimmer could do in history when he won 8 golds in China and revitalizing a level of patriotism throughout the country.

So WHAT if he smokes during the off-sason? Actually, according to the New York Times article up top, "Under the current World Anti-Doping Agency code, cannabis is not considered a banned substance during out-of-competition testing. " Even the World Anti-Doping Agency knows it's NOT THAT SERIOUS.

If one little photo of him enjoying a natural, relaxing plant could ruin his reputation in the eyes of tight-assed Americans, he might as well voice his true opinion of what he thinks. And if the good folks at The Agitator had it their way, it would go a little something like this.. (And I 100% wholeheartedly support this sentiment, but it no way shape or form advocate the use of illegal substances.)

Dear America,

I take it back. I don’t apologize.

Because you know what? It’s none of your goddamned business. I work my ass off 10 months per year. It’s that hard work that gave you all those gooey feelings of patriotism last summer. If during my brief window of down time I want to relax, enjoy myself, and partake of a substance that’s a hell of a lot less bad for me than alcohol, tobacco, or, frankly, most of the prescription drugs most of you are taking, well, you can spare me the lecture.

I put myself through hell. I make my body do things nature never really intended us to endure. All world-class athletes do. We do it because you love to watch us push ourselves as far as we can possibly go. Some of us get hurt. Sometimes permanently. You’re watching the Super Bowl tonight. You’re watching 300 pound men smash each while running at full speed, in full pads. You know what the average life expectancy of an NFL player is? Fifty-five. That’s about 20 years shorter than your average non-NFL player. Yet you watch. And cheer. And you jump up spill your beer when a linebacker lays out a wide receiver on a crossing route across the middle. The harder he gets hit, the louder and more enthusiastically you scream.

Yet you all get bent out of shape when Ricky Williams, or I, or Josh Howard smoke a little dope to relax. Why? Because the idiots you’ve elected to make your laws have have without a shred of evidence beat it into your head that smoking marijuana is something akin to drinking antifreeze, and done only by dirty hippies and sex offenders.

You’ll have to pardon my cynicism. But I call bullshit. You don’t give a damn about my health. You just get a voyeuristic thrill from watching an elite athlete fall from grace–all the better if you get to exercise a little moral righteousness in the process. And it’s hypocritical righteousness at that, given that 40 percent of you have tried pot at least once in your lives.

Here’s a crazy thought: If I can smoke a little dope and go on to win 14 Olympic gold medals, maybe pot smokers aren’t doomed to lives of couch surfing and video games, as our moronic government would have us believe. In fact, the list of successful pot smokers includes not just world class athletes like me, Howard, Williams, and others, it includes Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, the last three U.S. presidents, several Supreme Court justices, and luminaries and success stories from all sectors of business and the arts, sciences, and humanities.

So go ahead. Ban me from the next Olympics. Yank my endorsement deals. Stick your collective noses in the air and get all indignant on me. While you’re at it, keep arresting cancer and AIDS patients who dare to smoke the stuff because it deadens their pain, or enables them to eat. Keep sending in goon squads to kick down doors and shoot little old ladies, maim innocent toddlers, handcuff elderly post-polio patients to their beds at gunpoint, and slaughter the family pet.

Tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll apologize for smoking pot when every politician who ever did drugs and then voted to uphold or strengthen the drug laws marches his ass off to the nearest federal prison to serve out the sentence he wants to impose on everyone else for committing the same crimes he committed. I’ll apologize when the sons, daughters, and nephews of powerful politicians who get caught possessing or dealing drugs in the frat house or prep school get the same treatment as the no-name, probably black kid caught on the corner or the front stoop doing the same thing.

Until then, I for one will have none of it. I smoked pot. I liked it. I’ll probably do it again. I refuse to apologize for it, because by apologizing I help perpetuate this stupid lie, this idea that what someone puts into his own body on his own time is any of the government’s damned business. Or any of yours. I’m not going to bend over and allow myself to be propaganda for this wasteful, ridiculous, immoral war.

Go ahead and tear me down if you like. But let’s see you rationalize in your next lame ONDCP commercial how the greatest motherfucking swimmer the world has ever seen . . . is also a proud pot smoker.


Michael Phelps

Big thanks to Dioracat at Oh! That Vixen for the link, Enjoy!


  1. LMAO!

    If that ain't the damn truth. I feel like what's worse: Weed or performance enhancing drugs?

    Let the man live his life.

  2. And Micheal Vick should also say Dear America....So fucking what

    And Plaxico Should Say
    Dear America I Shot Myself So Fuck That.

    If Phelps was black they would have sabotaged his life and career and found something to lock his ass up ...

    Im Just Sayin....

    I understand its weed but fuck that when you are an American Hero at least represent us as such. Dont represent us as druggies and shit.

    And he got a BIG ASS BONG to his face....WTF? He's not in college at a frat party he should get his ass dropped from every endorsement for being a DICKHEAD and getting caught with a Bong to his face....

  3. Shenda.. You have GOT to be kidding me that your comparing Michael Vick's dog-fighting ring and Plaxico carrying a deadly weapon with Michael Phelps smoking a bong.

    It's NOT about black and white here, so throw the race card out the window immediately. It's about the degree of the crime and harming other people/animals. It has NOTHING to do with race. Plaxico was holding a deadly weapon and Vick's actions resulted in the deaths of innocent animals.

    What Phelps did couldn't harm anyone at all but himself, and it's not even that harmful except for your lungs but it's a PERSONAL DECISION. Plax could've harmed innocent bystanders if his gun went off in the wrong direction.

    Phelps was named the Athlete of the Year, what he accomplished is rivaled by NO ONE in sports. If anything, this shows that smoking weed is not as harmful as the gov't or police or anyone against it tells you, when used in moderation and in the comfort of one's home. No one ever went out and robbed a bank after smoking, they do that after drinking alcohol and THAT SHIT IS LEGAL.

    You, my friend, are incredibly biased and incorrect here. I'm not saying Phelps shouldn't lose his endorsements, since it's currently illegal then he should. But it's much bigger than that.

    Did you even read the part about sick people being raided? Imagine this.. You have a terminal illness and you will die in 6 months. The only way you find comfort from the agonizing pain of your illness and the only way you can eat normally is to smoke. These types of people find relief in using it as medicine while the Feds and DEA are arresting them. That shit is beyond me.

  4. You gotta love The News of the world for always getting hold of news like this. I doubt the newspaper could count how many cheating celebs and sex tapes they have gotten hold of since its existence.